The Onion
follow
//theonion.com
The A.V. Club
follow
//avclub.com
Deadspin
follow
//deadspin.com
Gizmodo
follow
//gizmodo.com
Jalopnik
follow
//jalopnik.com
Jezebel
follow
//jezebel.com
Kotaku
follow
//kotaku.com
Lifehacker
follow
//lifehacker.com
The Root
follow
//theroot.com
The Takeout
follow
//thetakeout.com
The Inventory
follow
//theinventory.com
follow
//www.theonion.com
Shop
follow
https://store.theonion.com/
Subscribe
follow
/newsletter
Home
follow
//www.theonion.com/
Latest
follow
//www.theonion.com/latest
News
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news
Local
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local
Entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
Politics
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics
Sports
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports
Opinion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion
OGN
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn
Home
follow
//www.theonion.com
Latest
follow
//www.theonion.com/latest
News
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news
Local
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local
Entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
Politics
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics
Sports
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports
Opinion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion
OGN
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn
The Onion Store
follow
https://store.theonion.com/
follow
//theinventory.com
Advertising
follow
https://g-omedia.com
Privacy
follow
https://g-omedia.com/privacy-policy/
Jobs
follow
https://boards.greenhouse.io/gomedia
Terms of Use
follow
https://g-omedia.com/terms-of-service/
follow
https://facebook.com/theonion
follow
https://twitter.com/theonion
follow
https://instagram.com/theonion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/rss
follow
//www.theonion.com
Home
follow
//www.theonion.com/
Latest
follow
//www.theonion.com/latest
News
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news
Local
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local
Entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
Politics
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics
Sports
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports
Opinion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion
OGN
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-you-will-never-actually-be-able-to-retire-1847932533
Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-you-will-never-actually-be-able-to-retire-1847932533
follow
https://www.theonion.com/the-most-tragic-film-set-accidents-1847988916
The Most Tragic Film Set Accidents
follow
https://www.theonion.com/the-most-tragic-film-set-accidents-1847988916
follow
https://www.theonion.com/things-you-should-never-text-your-ex-after-a-breakup-1847920581
Things You Should Never Text Your Ex After A Breakup
follow
https://www.theonion.com/things-you-should-never-text-your-ex-after-a-breakup-1847920581
follow
https://www.theonion.com/box-office-fop-1847963541
Editorial Cartoon: ‘Box Office Fop’
follow
https://www.theonion.com/box-office-fop-1847963541
follow
https://www.theonion.com/biden-social-spending-bill-whittled-down-to-10-billion-1847989883
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe ManchinWASHINGTON—At last striking a compromise that unites all 50 Democrats in the Senate, the White House announced Wednesday that it had enough votes to pass a streamlined version of President Joe Biden’s social spending bill that had been stripped of…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/biden-social-spending-bill-whittled-down-to-10-billion-1847989883
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-you-are-a-social-media-clout-chaser-1847966054
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/slideshow
Signs You Are A Social Media Clout Chaser
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-you-are-a-social-media-clout-chaser-1847966054
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated DistrictWASHINGTON—Sighing heavily as he sealed himself inside the meandering political boundary, despondent congressman Rep. Dan Bishop (R-NC) reportedly gerrymandered himself into his own isolated district Wednesday, sources confirmed. “I’m fine, I just…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/despondent-congressman-gerrymanders-self-into-own-isola-1847987020
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news/news-in-brief
Study Shows Tapping Cheek With Pointer Finger Still Number One Way To Get A Little KissHOUSTON—According to a new study published Wednesday in the journal Evolution And Human Behavior, the act of tapping one’s cheek with the pointer finger remains the number one way to get a little kiss. “Our team found that turning the head, exposing…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/study-shows-tapping-cheek-with-pointer-finger-still-num-1847982702
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news/news-in-brief
Kyle Rittenhouse Claims Self-Defense After Shooting 3 JurorsKENOSHA, WI—Arguing that he had no choice but to take the law into his own hands, Kyle Rittenhouse reportedly claimed self-defense Wednesday after shooting three jurors in his trial for multiple counts of first-degree homicide. “Finding himself…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/kyle-rittenhouse-claims-self-defense-after-shooting-3-j-1847984647
follow
https://www.theonion.com/passengers-reminded-to-wait-until-seat-belt-sign-turned-1847982838
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Passengers Reminded To Wait Until Seat Belt Sign Turned Off To Roundhouse Kick Flight Attendants
follow
https://www.theonion.com/passengers-reminded-to-wait-until-seat-belt-sign-turned-1847982838
follow
https://www.theonion.com/climate-summit-leaders-salvage-trip-with-joint-statemen-1847977689
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news/news-in-brief
Climate Summit Leaders Salvage Trip With Joint Statement That Scotland Has Some Pretty Cool Castles
follow
https://www.theonion.com/climate-summit-leaders-salvage-trip-with-joint-statemen-1847977689
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ferret-owner-under-impression-any-of-her-other-characte-1847982875
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Ferret Owner Under Impression Any Of Her Other Characteristics Matter
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ferret-owner-under-impression-any-of-her-other-characte-1847982875
More
follow
https://www.theonion.com/latest
follow
https://www.theonion.com/employee-on-thin-ice-after-taking-allotted-personal-day-1847974929
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Employee On Thin Ice After Taking Allotted Personal Day
follow
https://www.theonion.com/employee-on-thin-ice-after-taking-allotted-personal-day-1847974929
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-who-only-recently-cracked-code-on-buck-fush-still-1847976699
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Man Who Only Recently Cracked Code On ‘Buck Fush’ Still Puzzling Over ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-who-only-recently-cracked-code-on-buck-fush-still-1847976699
follow
https://www.theonion.com/landlord-informs-tenants-he-increasing-endless-economic-1847964365
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100
follow
https://www.theonion.com/landlord-informs-tenants-he-increasing-endless-economic-1847964365
follow
https://www.theonion.com/mom-getting-pretty-good-at-planning-funerals-1847957959
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Mom Getting Pretty Good At Planning Funerals
follow
https://www.theonion.com/mom-getting-pretty-good-at-planning-funerals-1847957959
Local
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local
follow
https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-buying-sandwich-unfairly-targeted-with-5-s-1847956045
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Billionaire Buying Sandwich Unfairly Targeted With 5% Sales TaxNEW YORK CITY—Calling the expense class warfare, local billionaire Kenneth Anderson was unfairly targeted Thursday with a 5% sales tax on a sandwich he was buying. “You’re singling me out with this indefensible charge because I’m wealthy, and I will…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-buying-sandwich-unfairly-targeted-with-5-s-1847956045
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-honestly-better-off-for-having-turned-self-over-to-1847929983
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Man Honestly Better Off For Having Turned Self Over To Algorithms
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-honestly-better-off-for-having-turned-self-over-to-1847929983
follow
https://www.theonion.com/family-spoils-grandma-with-5-minute-video-chat-1847917602
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Family Spoils Grandma With 5-Minute Video Chat
follow
https://www.theonion.com/family-spoils-grandma-with-5-minute-video-chat-1847917602
follow
https://www.theonion.com/guests-at-housewarming-party-conduct-full-financial-aud-1847940605
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Guests At Housewarming Party Conduct Full Financial Audit After Seeing Friend’s Apartment Fucking Huge
follow
https://www.theonion.com/guests-at-housewarming-party-conduct-full-financial-aud-1847940605
follow
https://www.theonion.com/lazy-family-has-kept-daughter-s-room-exactly-the-same-a-1847930844
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/news-in-brief
Lazy Family Has Kept Daughter’s Room Exactly The Same As It Was Before She Died
follow
https://www.theonion.com/lazy-family-has-kept-daughter-s-room-exactly-the-same-a-1847930844
Politics
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics
follow
https://www.theonion.com/white-house-urges-kamala-harris-to-sit-at-computer-all-1847963740
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
White House Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case Emails Come ThroughWASHINGTON—Appointing her to lead what they described as an absolutely essential initiative, top White House officials reportedly selected Vice President Kamala Harris to sit at a computer throughout regular working hours Friday in case any new…
follow
https://www.theonion.com/white-house-urges-kamala-harris-to-sit-at-computer-all-1847963740
follow
https://www.theonion.com/andrew-yang-developing-new-fourth-party-after-failing-t-1847957168
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Andrew Yang Developing New Fourth Party After Failing To Gain Support With Third Party
follow
https://www.theonion.com/andrew-yang-developing-new-fourth-party-after-failing-t-1847957168
follow
https://www.theonion.com/trump-testing-2024-waters-by-inciting-iowans-to-burn-st-1847864099
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Trump Testing 2024 Waters By Inciting Iowans To Burn State Capitol To Ground
follow
https://www.theonion.com/trump-testing-2024-waters-by-inciting-iowans-to-burn-st-1847864099
follow
https://www.theonion.com/congress-addresses-child-care-crisis-by-loosening-restr-1847958367
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours
follow
https://www.theonion.com/congress-addresses-child-care-crisis-by-loosening-restr-1847958367
follow
https://www.theonion.com/democrats-reach-deal-to-introduce-landmark-fundraising-1847909353
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/politics/news-in-brief
Democrats Reach Deal To Introduce Landmark Fundraising Email
follow
https://www.theonion.com/democrats-reach-deal-to-introduce-landmark-fundraising-1847909353
In Case You Missed It
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/evil-thoughts-every-parent-has-had-at-some-point-1847918480
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/slideshow
Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point
follow
https://www.theonion.com/evil-thoughts-every-parent-has-had-at-some-point-1847918480
follow
https://www.theonion.com/what-your-partner-is-actually-thinking-during-sex-1847887922
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/slideshow
What Your Partner Is Actually Thinking During Sex
follow
https://www.theonion.com/what-your-partner-is-actually-thinking-during-sex-1847887922
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-your-boss-is-definitely-underpaying-you-1847875640
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/local/slideshow
Signs Your Boss Is Definitely Underpaying You
follow
https://www.theonion.com/signs-your-boss-is-definitely-underpaying-you-1847875640
follow
https://www.theonion.com/everyday-benefits-of-ingesting-hallucinogens-1847901265
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/breaking-news/slideshow
Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens
follow
https://www.theonion.com/everyday-benefits-of-ingesting-hallucinogens-1847901265
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn
follow
https://www.theonion.com/unlikely-friendship-this-baby-xbox-is-best-friends-wit-1847828298
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn/slideshow
Unlikely Friendship: This Baby Xbox Is Best Friends With An N64 ‘WWF War Zone’ Cartridge
follow
https://www.theonion.com/unlikely-friendship-this-baby-xbox-is-best-friends-wit-1847828298
follow
https://www.theonion.com/get-excited-l-a-noire-fans-this-guy-is-lying-about-1847918271
News
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn/news
Get Excited, ‘L.A. Noire’ Fans! This Guy Is Lying About Not Murdering Your Cousin!
follow
https://www.theonion.com/get-excited-l-a-noire-fans-this-guy-is-lying-about-1847918271
follow
https://www.theonion.com/what-to-know-when-starting-out-with-age-of-empires-iv-1847918741
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn/slideshow
What To Know When Starting Out With ‘Age Of Empires IV’
follow
https://www.theonion.com/what-to-know-when-starting-out-with-age-of-empires-iv-1847918741
follow
https://www.theonion.com/thrift-store-s-bookshelf-has-some-pretty-solid-ps2-game-1847910497
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/ogn/news-in-brief
Thrift Store’s Bookshelf Has Some Pretty Solid PS2 Games
follow
https://www.theonion.com/thrift-store-s-bookshelf-has-some-pretty-solid-ps2-game-1847910497
follow
https://www.theonion.com/questions-i-m-always-asked-as-a-guy-drowning-in-an-abov-1847982402
Questions I’m Always Asked As A Guy Drowning In An Above-Ground Pool
follow
https://www.theonion.com/questions-i-m-always-asked-as-a-guy-drowning-in-an-abov-1847982402
follow
https://www.theonion.com/here-s-why-you-re-wrong-1819596219
Here"s Why You"re Wrong
follow
https://www.theonion.com/here-s-why-you-re-wrong-1819596219
follow
https://www.theonion.com/a-quick-and-simple-drywall-recipe-that-kids-with-pica-w-1821468643
A Quick And Simple Drywall Recipe That Kids With Pica Will Love
follow
https://www.theonion.com/a-quick-and-simple-drywall-recipe-that-kids-with-pica-w-1821468643
follow
https://www.theonion.com/tips-for-avoiding-conflict-at-thanksgiving-1820840210
Tips For Avoiding Conflict At Thanksgiving
follow
https://www.theonion.com/tips-for-avoiding-conflict-at-thanksgiving-1820840210
Entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment
follow
https://www.theonion.com/the-most-tragic-film-set-accidents-1847988916
Infographic
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment/infographic
The Most Tragic Film Set Accidents
follow
https://www.theonion.com/the-most-tragic-film-set-accidents-1847988916
follow
https://www.theonion.com/questions-i-m-always-asked-as-a-guy-drowning-in-an-abov-1847982402
TikTok
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment/tiktok
Questions I’m Always Asked As A Guy Drowning In An Above-Ground Pool
follow
https://www.theonion.com/questions-i-m-always-asked-as-a-guy-drowning-in-an-abov-1847982402
follow
https://www.theonion.com/william-shatner-dishes-about-being-the-first-man-in-spa-1847955889
Magazine
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment/magazine
William Shatner Dishes About Being The First Man In Space
follow
https://www.theonion.com/william-shatner-dishes-about-being-the-first-man-in-spa-1847955889
follow
https://www.theonion.com/nra-accuses-rust-producers-of-endangering-crew-by-not-1847946985
News In Brief
follow
https://www.theonion.com/entertainment/news-in-brief
NRA Accuses ‘Rust’ Producers Of Endangering Crew By Not Giving Everyone Guns
follow
https://www.theonion.com/nra-accuses-rust-producers-of-endangering-crew-by-not-1847946985
Sports
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports
follow
https://www.theonion.com/braves-honor-native-american-past-with-deadly-forced-ch-1847984453
Baseball
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports/baseball
Braves Honor Native American Past With Deadly Forced Championship Parade To Oklahoma
follow
https://www.theonion.com/braves-honor-native-american-past-with-deadly-forced-ch-1847984453
follow
https://www.theonion.com/astros-start-nolan-ryan-in-game-6-on-10-268-days-rest-1847983348
Baseball
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports/baseball
Astros Start Nolan Ryan In Game 6 On 10,268 Days’ Rest
follow
https://www.theonion.com/astros-start-nolan-ryan-in-game-6-on-10-268-days-rest-1847983348
follow
https://www.theonion.com/roger-goodell-warns-deshaun-watson-accusers-they-have-u-1847946598
Football
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports/football
Roger Goodell Warns Deshaun Watson Accusers They Have Until Stroke Of Midnight Before Magic Of Credible Allegations Disappears Forever
follow
https://www.theonion.com/roger-goodell-warns-deshaun-watson-accusers-they-have-u-1847946598
follow
https://www.theonion.com/most-underrated-nfl-players-of-all-time-1847919249
Slideshow
follow
https://www.theonion.com/sports/slideshow
Most Underrated NFL Players Of All Time
follow
https://www.theonion.com/most-underrated-nfl-players-of-all-time-1847919249
Opinion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion
Show all
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion
follow
https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-designs-windowless-mega-dorm-for-california-1847992361
American Voices
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion/american-voices
Billionaire Designs Windowless Mega-Dorm For California University
follow
https://www.theonion.com/billionaire-designs-windowless-mega-dorm-for-california-1847992361
follow
https://www.theonion.com/study-broken-heart-syndrome-on-the-rise-in-older-wom-1847984721
American Voices
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion/american-voices
Study: ‘Broken Heart’ Syndrome On The Rise In Older Women
follow
https://www.theonion.com/study-broken-heart-syndrome-on-the-rise-in-older-wom-1847984721
follow
https://www.theonion.com/senator-claims-men-watching-porn-playing-video-games-1847984674
American Voices
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion/american-voices
Senator Claims Men Watching Porn, Playing Video Games Because Their Masculinity Criticized
follow
https://www.theonion.com/senator-claims-men-watching-porn-playing-video-games-1847984674
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-ate-2-000-meals-at-six-flags-for-seven-years-to-pay-1847977007
American Voices
follow
https://www.theonion.com/opinion/american-voices
Man Ate 2,000 Meals At Six Flags For Seven Years To Pay Off Student Debt
follow
https://www.theonion.com/man-ate-2-000-meals-at-six-flags-for-seven-years-to-pay-1847977007